Internet Hilarity and Speculative Musings

And I'm Back!

2010-03-17T23:06:00.000-07:00

Kinda. What I actually am, is keeping this blog running, in order to have a dumping grounds for whatever trash pools in my brainpan, and also starting a new blog that I will run simultaneously, in order to chronicle my currently failed attempt at life as an actor/writer/all things unmarketable in jobbery. I will edit the post after I've set up this blog so that all three of my fans can start following that too.

EDIT: the new blog is up and running. For what it's worth.

Writing News October 2009

2009-10-19T16:51:00.001-07:00

I have a new goal, and that is to finish the first issue of the comic I'm writing (only a few pages left actually) and the two short stories I'm writing (nowhere near done on either count) by November 1st. Why? To participate in National Novel Writing Month, of course!

Go to www.nanowrimo.org and check it out. The website exists purely to get people who are always TALKING or THINKING about writing that book about the sassy robot to just do it already! 50,000+ words by the end of November 30th makes you a winner! No money, prizes, nothing, just personal satisfaction. I'm going to try writing two novels simultaneously.

Of course, that last statement appears to have been banged out by a retarded manic-depressive without any forethought or grip of reality, but I go into it knowing full well that it is improbable, nigh impossible, to succeed. That's not the point. The point is to try to use this coming month to get over my previous propensity for trying to perfect every word before moving on to the next in a first draft, to just go and write and worry about revising later. Kind of like a blog, but with more poop jokes (hopefully). We'll see! Anyone want to do it with me?!! All two of my followers?!!!!

I only have one thought for now...

2009-10-12T11:15:00.000-07:00

Why can I watch any sports movie and enjoy it? ANY. Sports movie. I don't even like sports very much. Particularly baseball movies, where I actually enjoyed Mr. 3000 and I can even tolerate movies like Angels in the Outfield and Rookie of the Year. And that movie had Gary Busey as the hero pitcher. Gary Busey.

Necessary Roughness, the Waterboy, Mr. Baseball, Major League 2... wtf is wrong with me?

A short story challenge

2009-10-08T11:55:00.000-07:00

So I'm whiling away the time in Trinidad, round three. And it will TKO me this time for sure, Little Mac has a full star meter. BUT I am surprisingly finding the time to write, more than I have in a while, and I'm even managing to switch between projects fairly well. So well, in fact, that I've added another one: A short story challenge. Lame? Yes. Explain? Sure!

Basically, I am a member of an online forum - the only one I consistently check, due to a wide variety of interesting information. And the forum is mainly populated by would-be comic creators and other artistes du jour. So someone posted an offer for a short story challenge, which is to write a 500-5000 word story that must begin with the following line:

"Anyone who thinks a minotaur is a mythical beast clearly never had to measure one for a tuxedo."

Now, not only is that the lamest opening line EVER, but it's also impossible to craft a story around it that is not at least partly fantasy-related. Which means it is both stupid and incredibly limiting. So it's a great challenge then! For your reading pleasure, here are the first two paragraphs that I managed to craft for what will no doubt be the iceberg to my titanic future career.

*** ***

Anyone who thinks a minotaur is a mythical beast clearly never had to measure one for a tuxedo, but anyone who thinks a minotaur is always an arrogant asshole clearly has measured quite a few. The thing is, minotaurs get a bad rap because they have, well, giant cow heads, and we all assume that they also have teeny malfunctioning cow brains inside. Plus, most minotaurs will have those big brass rings through their nostrils like the ones we use to lead cows around like, well, sheep, and they’re almost ALWAYS play straight through the Barbarian class in D&D. But the thing is, minotaurs wear brass rings as an aggressive fashion statement against the idea of being led like, well, sheep, and they usually play barbarians because they’re all pretty damn intimidating and they damn well know it, thus arrogant assholes. To assume that a minotaur is as dumb as a cow and exist purely to rape the body cavity of people with freshly torn-asunder arms is to make a judgment based purely on looks, and that, my friends, is known as being a bigot. Plus, believe it or not, female minotaurs are fucking fine.

Now, when you work in a fairyland tuxedo shop, you have to learn these little nuggets of wisdom fast, lest you desire your arms to be removed and stuffed up your starfruit like so much mealy butter (the mins may not exist purely for it, but they’re still wont to do it given the slightest provocation – after all, they are minotaurs). It really gets tough when the groom wants his entire party in powder-blue bell bottoms, and the hot mama bride tells you that there’s no way that mini-dick is wearing anything but the traditional burlap bridegroom taro, and suddenly there is a choice between getting ripped to shreds by an emasculated hufflepuff and getting ripped to shreds by a sexy she-bitch and possibly having an orgasm before you die. I’m telling you, those female minotaurs are FINE.

**** ****

When I finish it, I'll probably post it here. Just cuz.

OMG It's Nine-Eleven! Let's All Shit Our Pants!!

2009-09-11T17:23:00.000-07:00

I really, REALLY hated this morning when I logged onto Facebook and was bombarded by poems, prayers, and general reminders that yes, on this day 8 years ago something bad happened. Give me a fucking break, America.

Okay. Yes. 9/11 was a true American tragedy. And it's not something that America should ever forget, mainly because it is a rare demonstration of vulnerability in a country that is otherwise very full of its own pompous shit. But allow me to directly address everyone that attempted to write something poignant today - do you remember the Oklahoma City bombing?

You know who does remember the Oklahoma City bombing, even to this very day? The people who were fucking there.

I had a rare chance to get a tour of the city and the memorial by someone who was there, who spent days afterwards pulling the body parts of his friends out of the rubble. And if that experience taught me anything, it taught me that I don't deserve to speak about it in near the same terms as a survivor. I simply don't know that kind of trauma and grief, and I sure as hell hope I never get to know it.

Again, let me be clear: if you are a survivor of 9/11, if you were there when it happened, if you lost loved ones during the attacks - then you have every goddamned right there is to vocally remember 9/11. You do it to remind us who don't know that pain on a personal level.

For the rest of you, I hereby revoke your right to talk about it. It's been eight years. There's something wrong about dumb cunts in Texas telling us to remember 9/11 - I get the impression that these people have latched onto this idea so that they can try to make it their personal pain, so that it can be one more thing that they can use to make excuses or enact their ridiculous fantasies of self-pity.

Don't forget. Don't forget so we don't get fooled again. But don't talk about it, either.

Back to Trinidad, or I Will Never Fly Coach Again

2009-09-07T11:54:00.001-07:00

So I'm here in Trinidad right now, and I gotta tell ya, this trip is a little boring. I work 8-10 hours a day and go through a daily regimen of work, exhausted, bored. There's very little time to go sightseeing, or even to drink. Also very little money for the former as well. But even two weeks away from my wife and all alone in a strange place is almost worth it because

I FLEW FIRST CLASS

And I can't believe what I've been missing. I think if I ever flew first class before, I was too young to remember and/or appreciate the wondrous amenities that abound in this small subsection of seats. But first, for the non-flyers (Joey) here is the standard experience of Coach:
1) Smallish seats, cramped feeling of elbow room
2) Cheap plastic trays that fold down from the back of the seat in front of you
3) (Typically) one round of flight attendants with complimentary beverages or mini-bar liquor and canned beer for $5
4) One bag of mini pretzels. NOT peanuts. Mini-pretzels.
5) If it is a trip that takes place during a loose mealtime period, you get a small meal that's usually a McDonald's side salad with squeeze ranch dressing and a microwaved hot dog roll (I've had this five times, I shit you not).

But this time I flew first class. Allow me to relate the tale of this magnificent and masturbatory experience.
First of all, the seats are faux-leather, twice the size of coach seats, and have headrests that can be folded in on either side for additional head support during naptime. The trays are sturdy and fold out of the sizeable armrests, and are expandable - able to cover the length of the seat. As soon as I had put my luggage away and situated myself, the flight attendant asked me if I would like a drink (before we had even started the long process of pre-taking-off procedures. I ordered a gin and ginger and it was given to me, no questions asked. After consulting the in-flight magazine, I found that ALL alcohol and other amenities are complimentary in first class. But wait, it gets better! Once we were in the air, like IMMEDIATELY once we were in the air, the stewardess gives us all hot towels, and a long speech about "I hope that you will join us for dinner this evening, we have several options..." that included herb-encrusted trout, beef medallions, or mushroom-stuffed ravioli. I ordered another drink and soon enough my APPETIZER came, a shrimp cocktail with lump crabmeat, and a salad with bleu cheese dressing in a metal dish. The entree of beef medallions was actually good - not something I'm used to on airplanes. From that point on, I was sold as far as first class for life. The flight attendants probably asked me a dozen times if I wanted anything else to drink, and my wish was their command. If I can't afford to upgrade to first class for a particular flight, I'm driving.

Definitely makes the idea of working 100 hours in two weeks go down easier.

The Curse of Trinidad

2009-08-26T08:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I've found two different comedy clubs in the Dallas area that have Open Mic nights. There are also several theatres around town that have monthly auditions (on average) for upcoming shows. And I am here, with barely anything to do now that the house is in order and we have no money for going out, ready and willing to go out into the world and do what I fucking love to do, and I feel like I can't until I get back from Trinidad. Which is unfortunate only because that means I have to wait another month - until October 13. I feel like I have to wait because any auditions I've seen completely conflict with the dates I will be in Trinidad, either in performances or rehearsals - boo hiss! In more pipe-dream-related reasons, I wouldn't want to start the comedy club circuit until I get back because I wouldn't want to impress anyone enough to call me with an opening spot for actual MONEY and I be in Trinidad eating crabshell chum mulch and bathing in pepper oil, or whatever it is they do there (I've heard things). On the other hand, Trinidad will give me ample time to work on my writing projects and hopefully actually maybe complete one hooray OMG poop.

It's about time I posted again!

2009-08-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

So while on warrenellis.com last I stumbled across the blog of Nate Simpson (http://projectwaldo.blogspot.com/), who is learning how to make a comic and is keeping a blog about his progress and what he learns. And of course it puts my blog to shame. BUT it has also renewed some fervor in me for all things creative, so I am redoubling efforts to think about finding the time to have a sit down and brainstorm the possibility of writing more. Or I'll just write some more. Like right now, after this sentence!

Dallas is for Dallasites

2009-08-10T07:45:00.000-07:00

Well, we've opened the very last box and we have sorted the first of three random-object bins. Every room in the house is otherwise arranged, decorated, and cleaned. And we are mega-poor right now, which is of course a good thing since it means that we actually have to eat the food that we buy at the grocery store, and not go out all the time. Being poor has started a new habit that I hope we maintain once the money starts coming in, namely that we have actually started watching all the movies and recorded TV we have in our home. I have also FINALLY started auditioning for roles again, which is good because I am very much out of practice. I am slowly preparing to take the shitty Dallas community theatre world by storm.

Two Thoughts

2009-07-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

Thought One: I did something today that I felt the necessity to do. Often there are movies, books, albums, that you pretty much need to experience if you want to be knowledgeable about movies, books, or music. Something that EVERYONE mentions and you kind of have to know what you're talking about because they will notice if you are bullshitting. So finally, after years of pre-hatred, I sat down and watched a Dane Cook stand-up special.

Everyone bitches about Dane Cook, and it's a lot of personal hate too. It's not just "he's not funny," it's more "he's also an arrogant, self-absorbed asshole who steals jokes and pollutes the world with his presence." I had caught like five minutes of his stand-up a few years ago and was unimpressed, and since then discussion of him in the stand-up community has become a tired old whore whose good days are long since past. So it's time for me to catch up, apparently.

I did end up watching half of his dvd "Vicious Circle" because it was on YouTube. First of all, he's not funny. At all. His topics are boring and his jokes are duh. The way he presents said jokes is to be loud, aggressive, and overly excited and physical. He is a jock who decided that "tellin' jokes can't be hard if all the FAGGOTS and NERDS are doin' it" and translated his locker-room banter into a routine, for the pleasure of pimply 14 year-old girls everywhere. He also performed in the round, which is the most retarded thing a stand-up comedian can do, with a giant glorious symbol printed on the stage of his retarded and ubiquitous "super finger." So no, I didn't like it, and now I can say why.

In short, I don't know if he's worth all the bile that people heap on him, but he is incredibly overrated and boring. And he doesn't bring any point or meaning to his act. He's a dancing clown to a crowd of morons.

Thought Two: In support of birth control (but mainly because the conversation popped into my head and I got a chuckle):

GOD: Let's see how my race of humans is doing. (pause) Oh my. Oh my no. (races to loudspeaker) Uh, attention everyone, this is God... just what do you think you're doing?

PEOPLE: We're being fruitful and multiplying! A lot!

GOD: Right.

PEOPLE: Like you told us to!

GOD: Okay. Hang on. I think that we need to clarify a few things here. When I told you that... there weren't very many of you. Do you understand the point of "be fruitful and multiply"?

PEOPLE: Make many babies! Many many!

GOD: Yes... but mainly the point was to populate the planet. And you did. You can stop now.

PEOPLE: But you told us to!

GOD: Well, you can, but for my sake, take it slow, okay?

PEOPLE: But how else will we enjoy sex?

GOD: (pause) Uh... why do you think I made it enjoyable in the first place?

PEOPLE: To be fruitful and --

GOD: Yes I know, but also, just, you know, because it's a good thing. For many reasons. Haven't you figured this out by now? Why do you think there are so many gays? It's not like they can procreate, I didn't hide a uterus behind the prostate or anything.

PEOPLE: But you hate faggots! It's on all the signs at all the football games! You don't like them Sam I am!

GOD: What? I don't hate gays. I fucking created gays. What the hell? What is this shit? Do you all want to die early?

And so on.

Moving

2009-07-13T15:22:00.000-07:00

In one week's time, I'm supposed to be in Dallas painting my new place. Theoretically, all items not deemed necessities should be packed at this time.

I am so fucking screwed.

Science Fiction Is for Nerds

2009-07-09T13:07:00.000-07:00

I’ve always been amazed by good science fiction. I qualify that with “good” because what amazes me about science fiction in general is how uniformly detailed it is in terms of interesting and/or fictional technology. But what REALLY amazes me about “good” science fiction is how good the story surrounding that technological invention is. Take Transmetropolitan, an epic sci-fi future comic I finished reading not too long ago. The author (Warren Ellis for all you n00bs and other non-nerds) is so crazily inventive in his technological advancements that it’s astounding, but he has given it such thought and planning that it all seems to be a realistic, logical conclusion of what our future will be. Combine that with an engaging, powerful, socially relevant story populated by numerous well-developed characters and you have me amazed. And that’s just one example.

The PROBLEM with sci-fi is when people have great ideas but can’t link those ideas to a good story. Case in point, some of the later Heinlein, which had complex ideas formulated around an excuse to be creepy with sexuality. Some of the trashier sci-fi out there is not provocative, but stupid and sophomoric, like a perpetual virgin eking out fantasies. And it brings the rest of sci-fi down with it. The canyon-like range of ability makes sci-fi a “genre”, even though the only thing linking some sci-fi books to others is the complexity of fictional technology. The stories can be as diverse and impossible to categorize as elevated “true literature”. Hell, famous and well-respected literary authors have written science-fiction and had it classified as “serious” fiction because of the weight of their names.

There has been some effort to improve, I suppose, the image of sci-fi by coining the new term “speculative fiction” and lumping it, fantasy, and horror into one area. And speculative fiction does sound nice, but I feel that society may be too ingrained in its prejudices, at least the editors of Atlantic Monthly, for the time being. But I will say that strictly by-the-numbers, speculative fiction has excited and interested me more often for longer than high art, in my opinion because instead of focusing on character and philosophy, it focuses on a new and interesting way to view the world we live in.

I write all of this now only because I recently came up with (in my mind) a kick-ass premise and I’ve been thinking about the meaning and state of sci-fi in general because of it. Now let’s see if my premise can be made into a decent story, shall we?

Random Access Mind (or RAM for short)

2009-07-07T15:21:00.000-07:00

The job that I thought would be the perfect way for me to provide for our family and also work on my writing and acting turned out to be not quite so perfect, but it’s not so bad. It’s just a little more work than I thought, and if I am dedicated (and if my wife is too), then it should be fine. But since all I can think about lately is essay guidelines and web content, I haven’t thought up any great blog topics. So I will start listing thoughts too small for a whole blog, but that keep running through my head nonetheless:

1) I work on a laptop, and as a result hate all laptops forever and ever. My own laptop gives me plenty of frustration; I can’t count the number of times I’ll be typing some grand anti-life equation and my right pinky will slip and somehow hit the home AND shift AND up keys at the SAME TIME, so that as I continue to write I end up deleting a good chunk of that successful Law and Order musical. But the laptop at work defies all logic and dislogic of five different dimensions. There are buttons that I’m fairly confident send me to a future time portal of digital data destruction.

2) I would say I’m more of a coffee drinker than a tea drinker, although I really like tea. But my big problem with coffee is that it doesn’t taste like it smells. I’m still experimenting with my own coffee, changing measurements, water, whatever. Am I not a Virgo?

3) I want to one day use this blog to post personal movie reviews as well. But the most recent movies I’ve seen were Star Trek, which is way old news, and My Sister’s Keeper, which I saw too far long ago to warrant reviewing in my opinion. Expect Reviews to commence on the advent of GI Joe, which I cleverly linked to Christ with the use of the word “advent” and also damned myself to an eternity of Hell for because I gave a hint that it could be anything other than the coming of Satan.

4) I wonder what butterflies taste like. Butter?

5) I’ve found a shocking correlation between the amount of liquid I drink and the number of times I have to pee.

6) Open Mic Night is every Wednesday at 7:30, and it’s free. I am planning on going tomorrow, partially to check out the competition and partially to see if it’s ever something I want to do in the first place. This is an open invitation for anyone who wants to join me.

7) I have a dark fantasy of wanting to be a rapper, because I love playing with language and have a deep respect for the way (good) rappers craft rhymes. But since I can’t really imagine myself opening for Snoop Dogg, I do not indulge this fantasy so that I can keep myself from being a weirdo. Like Jaoquin Phoenix.

8) I’m starting to formulate my own genius nutritional system and way of living that I know without a doubt to be healthy and smart, even though I can’t seem to find any doctors or nutritionists who agree with me. Oh well, they said Adkins was crazy before he died of that heart attack!

9) I hate how quickly shoes get worn out. I’m already ready for another pair because my cheap Reeboks are worn and ugly. I bought them two months ago. I hate it because I hate shopping for shoes, and I hate shopping for shoes because I have gigantor Sideshow Bob-style clown feet.

10) I formulated this list into ten, like Joey. And I am a sad sack of crap, also like Joey. Burn?!! I need sleep.

It's a Hard-Knock Life (for Rap Stars)

2009-06-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

Right now, I work for a tutoring (Academic Consulting) company that will remain nameless for now, in case someone in the company puts the name through a Google search, finds my blog, and somehow becomes offended. This company provides me with the best job I’ve had ever, and I do really enjoy teaching kids. There’s something nice about coupling an easy routine with the fact that I happen to be pretty good at my job and the feeling I get when I actually help a kid do way better on a test… there are so many more factors on top of those that combine to give me a wonderful job experience that I’ve maintained for a few years now.

But I never envisioned doing this for the rest of my life. And when I do think about it, I don’t like the idea. The pay, while good now, is nothing to build a career on, at least not a desirable one. After taxes I probably make about the same as or less than a janitor, albeit for a better job. I just deal with bullshit instead of human shit. The only times I start to feel burned out are when I have to deal with horrible high school assholes and/or their horrible asshole parents, and when I have to do an ever-increasing amount of paperwork and documentation for what used to be a very independent job with minimal upkeep. I can’t fault the latter; the company is growing and I always understand the logic of each new requirement, but it starts to take a toll after a while.

Other than those things, though, it’s a good job and I get a lot of satisfaction out of it. It’s definitely better than working shit retail jobs and either seeing the worst parts of humanity or FEELING the worst parts of humanity COURSING THROUGH YOUR BOILING AND BURSTING VEINS on a daily basis at an hourly rate.

I guess I never wanted to do it for the rest of my life because I don’t see that much advancement in it. It’s a smaller company, so the only way I can really get paid what I would like to be able to get to in five years is to own the company, and I DEFINITELY don’t want to go through the pain and stress and overwork of starting up my own. And it gets to a point after a few years that even with some good job satisfaction, the stress and overwork of the regular job are too much for the paycheck. Unfortunately, as of now my only other options are get some lucky break into a corporate world, go back to school for several years, or become a successful actor/writer/what-have-you. As for the latter, I’m working on it. As for the former, I’ve figured out I don’t want it, and here’s why.

Since we’re in summer (notoriously slow in this line of work because kids don’t want to take advantage of summer in any way that requires thinking – but hey, I wouldn’t want to either), I’m working in the office now. And let me tell you what I’ve done in two days in the office:

Day 1: I read up on and generally researched the ISEE and HSPT tests, and then wrote notes on how we can teach it.

Day 2 (today): I wrote a 10-page document instructing kids in detail how to write essays.

Now, this may seem just fine to you, or the most boring thing on the planet, but to me, it’s sort of a middle ground between soul-crushing and pleasing. Which I guess would translate to just fine. It’s soul crushing because it’s real, authentic, cubicle hump-job work, writing documents and making layouts and just the most boring thing on the planet. Can I really spend six hours working on one document? I can if I have to make sure it has a company logo in exactly this spot and has diagrams and is spaced in a way that is easily readable etcetera etcetera.

But it’s also pleasing because I am getting pretty proud of my work. And that’s why I’m glad the office is only a temporary thing. Because I just wrote a 10-page document about writing essays that I personally feel destroys all other essay tutorials on the market, some big thick books that you can find at Barnes and Noble selling copies by the hundred to panicky semi-dyslexic high schoolers. It is written very much in the style of professional instructional texts and covers all the bases, and is condensed enough to carry around with you easily. And I’m not sure if that’s something I should really be proud of. So no, I don’t think I want to do this with the rest of my life, and I will be glad when the summer is over.

At least it isn’t like the Chiropractor’s office in Kentucky, where I had nothing to do ever and got into trouble for not doing anything.

Michael Jackson Dead at 50

2009-06-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about Michael Jackson.

I think it's interesting in general (and sad) just how much the Cult of Celebrity permeates our society. There are magazines devoted to nothing but the most insignificant details of the lives of stars, and they are kept in circulation because there are enough people in the country willing, nay excited to buy them week after week after week. The fact that you are a celebrity suddenly makes it necessary to document unimportant details, now so important that they actually affect the decisions of others. And not just little things like what kind of socks to wear or what kind of bottled water to drink; sometimes it's what or who to vote on. And I understand why, somewhat. For a largely ignorant population, it's easier to assume that if someone plays someone intelligent on TV or whatever, then that person must actually be intelligent in real life. These people whose faces are plastered all over buses, billboards, magazines, and TV shows, who affect the lives of several thousand or more people all at once, must have opinions that somehow matter more than the opinions of the individual, right? Except no, of course they don't, because they are just individuals with individual votes and individual opinions, just like anyone else in the world, including those who don't happen to be famous. And guess what else? Some celebrities (musicians, actors, authors, what have you) are erudite, well-learned, fucking cognizant people, but others are dumb as dead dodos. Have you ever seen Zooey Deschanel give an interview? Have you ever read any of Stephanie Meyer's books, for that matter? Tragic.

When these celebrities die, there are shrines built, there are gatherings of weeping supporters, there are documentaries and rememberance tributes on TV, books, movies, photo albums... and that is the sign of a nation gone insane. People's lives should not be determined, affected, or truncated because of the death of a star. It is acceptable to be sad, and to be curious, but if you didn't actually know the person, intimately as a friend or even acquaintance, don't go on and on about how much that actual person meant to you. Let the performances speak for themselves, i.e. be wary of attributing to much of how much a song/movie/performance made you who you are today to the person versus the art.

But of course, there are exceptions. Which brings me to Michael Jackson.

Most of the above applies to the idea of this Cult of Celebrity in general. If Paris Hilton dies tomorrow, there will be goon squads hired by me sent to tear down any kind of memorial to her creative and spiritual black hole of a life. But there are certain people who even I have to admit are American Icons. People who have done so much for so many people, in so many different ways, over so many long years, that when they are gone, there is a clear hole in the collective American consciousness. And Michael Jackson is definitely one of those individuals. Dare I say, the biggest and most influential of all, considering the huge range of generations that he affected. So while I may not necessarily join in, I am more ready to approve of said shrines, memorials, etc. when they are in honor of someone who is the essence and definition of American pop culture and cultural influence.

I think we can all agree that Michael Jackson was a little weird. Whether or not you think he was a pedophile, an innocent child, a total freak, or the greatest person in the world, one thing cannot be denied: the guy was a fucking brilliant businessman. Not only did he create some of the best songs of two different decades, he crafted an image, dance style, and sheer spectacle to go with those songs - one perfect package that allowed him to sell more albums than any other musician in history, with more top ten songs than anyone, anytime, ever. And on top of it all, he owned the rights to the BEATLES ENTIRE BACK CATALOG. He was able to do all of this because he was the best entertainer of any of our lifetimes, and knew exactly how to have an audience eating out of the palm of his hand.

I hadn't listened to any of his songs in probably four or five years, and suddenly they're all playing all over the radio and on tv, and I am reminded again of just how good they are. Not just catchy, but good, well-written, smooth-as-silk. And after thinking of my childhood, and all my childhood friends, and watching full-grown adults, all trying to imitate him or discussing him or just being changed by him, I come to the easy conclusion that there are two kinds of people in this world: people who were influenced by Michael Jackson, and people who refuse to admit it. And that goes for everyone on the goddamned planet, even Dave Householder.

My Wife The Cuteness Tyrant

2009-06-25T22:30:00.000-07:00

"I want you to write a blog about me... and how I love... cute things, and animals, and... rainbows...." (starts singing The Little Mermaid)

So, under the principle that even blogs are well-serviced by an introduction to the various characters, here is a blog about a key character in my life, namely my wife Kari.

My wife is very intelligent. In many respects, she is just as smart or smarter than I am, which I always desired in a mate; it keeps me on my toes that when I say something like "you should cook my dinner because God Commands You," she wants to see some sort of legal documentation of that fact. For example.

But, like me, she has her share of quirks if you will, and a lot of them amount to getting odd things mixed up in cute ways. Some are trivial, like how until late tonight she always referred to the David Bowie crotch extravaganza Labyrinth as "The Labyrinth," some are funny, like how her kneejerk reaction is to always ask for a "Romulan Gin Fizz," and some are a little weird, like how she thought for roughly fifteen years that the phrase was actually "for all intensive purposes." But I think if there was one personality trait that I most easily and readily identify with my wife, it is the opening line above (brought on by one too many cocktails, but a prevalent sentiment nonetheless). My wife is just damned cute.

At least, to me.

Now you have a tiny window into my everyday married life. Tomorrow comes the death of Michael Jackson and insight into the Cult of Celebrity that permeates our society.

And now, the beginning again

2009-06-24T22:57:00.000-07:00

This marks the first of many posts in the future, supposedly, theoretically, until I succumb again to laziness and self-defeat. We'll see how long that lasts. Here are some facts to set the stage:

1) I have written a serious piece, the first that I have remained proud of for any considerable length of time. I think it is good enough that I want to get it published, but I don't think I can. It's perfect to me in terms of length and content, but that length is very, very short, far too short for any even-close-to-respectable journal, and its content does not, in my opinion, easily allow it to pass as poetry for consideration in those kind of journals. You know, the sucky ones.

2) I have been accepted (along with 1000 other random people) into the Writer's Workshop area of Cracked.com and can now pitch ideas for articles, to see if I can ever convince the Cracked staff to pay me to write one. I have spent the past day reading rules and preparing, and now I will be able to start working on articles and article ideas.

3) I currently have a dozen ideas that are floating around, and hopefully I will be able to grab them and throw them down onto paper/type them out over the course of the next couple of months. We'll see. That's what this blog is all about!

More interesting stuff will follow, I promise.